Beth’s Top 5 And Bottom 5 Films For 2008!

BETH’S BOTTOM 5

5. THE HAPPENING - The trailer looked amazing! It was written and directed by the great M. Night Shyamalan. It even had Markie Mark!…But even with all these things, this film left me wanting to do what the characters in the movie were doing…kill myself. You would think that since it was an M. Night Syhamalan film it’d have this amazing twist right!? WRONG! Aside from waiting for things to get really interesting (which never happened) all I wanted to do was Knock Mark Whalburg out for being such a douche bag, bad actor and get my money back for wasting my time at the theatre! The best part about going to see this was the popcorn…and the guys jumping off the roof in the film cause that was gory as hell, but that’s it!

4. MAX PAYNE - Markie, Markie, Mark…our agent didn’t do his job this year did he? You told him to pick GOOD roles! The only reason this film made it onto this horror site is because there’s creepy dark things flying around throughout this whole movie! Otherwise it’s a complete waste of time to even mention! The story line made no sense; the direction was some of the worst I’ve ever seen! For fuck sake, when have you EVER seen a security guard with an AK47 and access to C4!? The script seemed to have been written by a five year old that never actually PLAYED Max Payne the game! And the worst thing about it…It cost 35 Million dollars to make the piece of shit! That could have been spent on more important things like…finding a new BFF for Paris Hilton!

3. TRILOQUIST - Well, if you read my movie review you’d know…There is not a single gore shot in this film and it’s about a homicidal doll! The editing was obviously terrible because they set up a flashback that took place in 1991 and filled it with cars from 2007! The story didn’t actually make any real sense; which seemed to be a trend this year! The script was so poorly written that they didn’t even bother to give one of the three main characters any lines!! And no, sorry guys, but the hot chick never even gets naked! Life just isn’t fair! The creators of Leprechaun need to go back to the drawing board and make ANOTHER sequel…I promise if you do I’ll say it was better than Triloquist!

2. THE STRANGERS - Shit! Give me a mask and let me takea stab at it too! No pun intended. Needless to say, I didn’t like the main characters. The story line was very predictable, a couple in a log cabin, house phone, cell phone, plenty of chances to call for help and they blew it! So they deserve to die! The murderers were no better! They were nowhere near as scary as the masters who came before them in a film that is similar in a handful of ways yet, much better…Funny Games. I didn’t meet a single person that liked this film and it’s for all the obvious reasons…it’s supposed to be a slasher and I’d let my six year old nephew watch it to put him to sleep! And once again it was done with a big budget!

1. MOTHER OF TEARS - Yeah, more like Piece of Shit! This movie makes the horror ledged, Dario Argento, look like a novice! What the hell was he thinking when he wrote it!? Asia Argento won’t be getting too many movie offers after taking on this role and I don’t care if her dad is the director she should have said ” No, dad! This film makes absolutely no sense at all! I mean look at my lines! For god sakes the audience won’t even be able to fallow it!” Because we couldn’t! My head was spinning with confusion…You mean to tell me the fate of the Vatican rests on the survival of a t-shirt!? Yeah, see, now your heads spinning too! Although the deceased mother of Asia is rather hilarious in her CG ghost form flying around the streets of Italy it wasn’t enough to convince me that this film wasn’t compiled by a complete (lets be politically correct here) Handicapped person! It was a sad day in the horror world the moment they started filming this movie!

BETH’S TOP 5

5. MACHINE GIRL - Basically if you’re a fan of Kill Bill you’d like this movie. I give huge props to the creators of the film for being edgy and (even though it was greatly influenced by Kill Bill) what a great movie to barrow from! I never get sick of revenge stories! The CG gore was some of the most interesting I’ve ever seen! I felt “splash happy” while watching the scenes of bloody mutilation and couldn’t stop smiling at the relentless killing! FINALLY a Japanese horror that’s not about ghosts, dead sisters, curses, black cats or things crawling out of water wells! AND it was filmed in Japanese! I loved it!

4. QUARANTINE - I so, so badly want to see the original REC! But have not been able to get a hold of it! However THIS version did by me just fine! I was terrified while in the theatre! Sinking into my chair like a 10 year old! The story, if it were to ever actually happen, sunk into me and chilled me to the bone! Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter, Exorcism of Emily Rose) did an awesome job as portraying an inexperienced reporter who reflected my fear in the film like a mirror! Locked up, forgotten by the world and left to vend for your self in a vast building filled with blood hungry monsters…wow.

3. FRONTIER(S) - FINALLY, one of the 8 films to die for that truly impresses! It’s like Texas Chainsaw Massacre but…in France! A country that keeps releasing more and more horror that is unbelievably impressive! Frontiers, Inside, High Tension and City of Lost Children are just a few. Mostly what I loved so much about Frontiers though, was that it had this ability to show you torture and death in a way where it wasn’t just shock value (which it had) but to make you feel…truly disturbed! The kills were amazing! The story made sense, it was poignant and scary, the characters were relatable. Dark, dreary, gory and scary…just the way a horror should be!

2. THE SIGNAL - Released in February of 2008 and on some of my fellow ICONS writers lists from last year, I didn’t get around to seeing this film until this past summer…and wow! More people should really look into underground films because of movies like this! A signal being broadcast from an unknown source is driving everyone it reaches mad causing them to go on a murdering rampage. Once again the violent killings are what set this movie apart from your low grade horror, rising above all others as a comedy, blood fest, tale of love conquering, and survival story. It kept me on the edge of my seat from beginning to end!

1. SPIRAL - Ah, the twisted world that is Spiral! I had the opportunity to first view this film at the Texas Frightmare weekend 08’, courtesy of Anchor Bay! Believe it or not ladies and gentlemen, this movie is rated PG13! From Adam Green, the director of Hatchet, this story is about a lonely young painter and his infatuations with the unfortunate women that walk into his life. Throughout the entire film you’re not sure if the main character is a homicidal maniac, or just plain strange. The beauty of the story is that you fall in love with the character, you want to trust him, you want to get to the bottom of his thoughts…but this is a mistake! This movie will make you jump, wonder, and wait patiently in suspense. It is my number one film of 08’ because it was written so well and executed with great direction!