Vampires Suck (2010) Poster, Plot, Photos and Trailer

September 5, 2010 / 183657

Vampires Suck is a 2010 American vampire spoof film based on the Twilight film series directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, starring Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Christopher N. Riggi, Ken Jeong, and Anneliese van der Pol.

Vampires Suck (2010) Plot

Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves to Sporks to live with her clueless father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader), after her mother starts an affair with Tiger Woods. Meanwhile killings have been happening to random people and the number one suspects are the Kardashians. Becca is quickly befriended by many students at her new high school, but she is intrigued by the mysterious and aloof Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), who perplexes her during their time in the biology class. Later, Becca is nearly struck by a van in the school parking lot. Edward inexplicably moves from several feet away and stops the vehicle with a student without any harm to himself or Becca, the student being badly injured. He later refuses to explain this act to Becca and warns her against befriending him. After much research, but reaching the wrong conclusion that he is a Jonas Brother, Edward corrects her saying he’s a vampire, though he only consumes animal blood shows her his shiny bling he wears under his clothes.

The pair fall in love but Edward denies having sex with her and instead Edward introduces Becca to his vampire family on her birthday. While unwrapping a gift, Becca gets a paper cut, causing Edward’s family to relapse by her blood’s scent and attempt to kill her. Realizing the danger that he and his family pose to Becca, Edward ends their relationship while saving her from the one of the three nomadic vampires who have been killing humans, Jack (Charlie Weber), knocking his head off with a baseball bat. Edward’s departure leaves Becca heartbroken and depressed for months as she discovers that thrill-seeking activities evoke Edward’s preserved image. She is also comforted by her deepening friendship with Jacob White (Christopher N. Riggi), the cheerful childhood friend who eases her pain over losing Edward. But due to his strange puberty, Becca discovers he has become a werewolf as his pack arrive to maul another of the nomadic vampires.

Edward has moved to Brazil and is now dating Lady Gaga but through a series of miscommunications, Edward believes Becca has killed herself and attempts to provoke the “Zolturi” — a powerful vampire coven capable of killing him — by standing butt naked in the sunlight at the site of the school prom. Becca rushes to the prom in a Porsche 911 to save Edward. Upon arrival, she is slowed down during the warring factions of Edward fangirls and Jacob fangirls. She is able to make it in time to see Edward completely naked with a disco ball replacing his penis, which is so bright no one can see him until it becomes twilight and a new moon appears just as an eclipse starts where everyone can see Edward breaking dawn. Everyone stares at him in awe until he bends over to pick up a penny which reveals his hairy butt. Becca after being awe struck shows Edward she is alive but not in time for the Zolturi to have seen him naked. However after a fight between him and the Zolturi leader, Daro (Ken Jeong), Edward is forced to make Becca into a vampire so their lives would be spared. He does so after Becca agrees to marry him if he makes her a vampire. The movie concludes with Edward taking a blow to the head by the head Jacob fangirl, who ends up becoming the vampirized Becca’s first meal.

Critical

Vampires Suck has received overwhelmingly negative reviews from critics, and it currently has an approval rating of 6% on Rotten Tomatoes, with the consensus being “Witlessly broad and utterly devoid of laughs, Vampires Suck represents a slight step forward for the Friedberg-Seltzer team.” Another review aggretator, Metacritic, which consists of a normalized rating from 0–100 on reviews from mainstream critics, calculated an average score of 18 based on 16 critics. Jenn Proske’s performance received some praise. Spill.com, whose video reviews are usually five minutes long, had a 5 second, two word review: “F**k You”. The review by Peter Travers of Rolling Stone was only four words long, which simply stated “This movie sucks more.”

Box office

On Wednesday, August 18, the film opened at #1 with $4,016,858.[21] On Thursday, August 19, the film dropped to #3 behind The Expendables and Eat Pray Love with $2,347,044. By the weekend, Vampires Suck landed at #2 behind The Expendables and $200,000 over Eat Pray Love. The full second week the film dropped to #11, grossing no more than $500 per theater, respectively. In its second weekend, the film dropped more than 50% from its opening weekend but rose to #6. As of September 5, 2010 the film has grossed $30,099,000 domestically.